Relationship myths often created by half-truths or unreal expectations which are subconsciously organize or damage our life with our partner. Happiness myths influence our relationships.
What misbelief is good for?
Misbelieves with all of their torsions gives us a kind of handhold, to predict the world around us and supporting our decision making processes. Misbelieves are defined by our childhood experiences, family models and schemas and our relationship with the world. In crises they are important supporters.
What kind of misbelieves can influence our relationship?
1. In a good relationship man and woman are alike.
An example: “What do you want for dinner? What you like to eat!” This persuasion induces us to try to do everything to shape our partner to ourselves, because we believe our differences are dangerous or not accepted. This attitude makes really difficult the beginning symbiosis period moves forward to the next relationship level which is differentiation period. The healthy concomitant of relationship evolution is recognition of differences and encouragement to live to see them. The differences are able to remind us, we are individuals which is important to keep it in a relationship as well. Sometimes this kind of attitude because a completed fusion or merger where just the dominant person’s attitude is visible the other partner completely have given up his/her own. Which is not about two people, it is all about one person and his/her needs and desires.
2. A good relationship makes us happy forever.
We are deluding ourselves in utopian dream like the harmonic relationships are conceded from the beginning and no need to face with problems, provides eternal happiness for ourselves. Most of the time we do not have a clear view on those kind of harmonic relationships, on their mechanism. In a harmonic relationship both sides work daily making the relationship work well. There are other needs personally what just the relationship itself can’t provide.
3. We expect for our partner to understand us without talking, figures out our own needs.
So often we believe that is the key of a good relationship. But having this kind of expectation in the reality first and the last time we experienced it in our relationship with our mother when we were children. In other relationships it doesn’t work. The truth is we make each other happy and not the relationship itself. We are all active and constructive participants in a relationship experience and not a passive user. Every each relationship face with afflictions without exception. The key here is communication without boundaries. Researches show those couples who have harmonic relationships their communication is active, matured and not having taboos.
4. There are no problems in a happy relationship.
“We don’t use to quarrel!” – Sometimes we can hear this sentence. In this kind of relationships, problems seem like terrible, so that’s why these kind of couples try to avoid them and sweep problems under the carpet. They do this because the illusion of perfection would be gone or these couples don’t have a constructive conflict management ability or have not learnt it. Crises and conflicts are able to create development in a relationship if it is managed on a matured and constructive way.
5. Relationship crises solution: break up and find someone else.
So often behind a divorce we can see partners have not even tried to solve their problems or face with afflictions. Consumer society “buy a new one if the old is broken” has a strong influence on our view of relationship. To face with a relationship crises is painful indeed however can bring new positive resources in it. Crises also are able to enrich our self-knowledge and break down our own boundaries. Maladaptive schemas are able to become visible and changed with awareness. Start a new relationship without trying to fix the current one or without learning about ourselves is good for one thing, repeat our negative schemas again. A relationship can’t avoid crises or problems even if there is love.
Nowadays we really have serious expectations in a relationship. Every each own needs must be satisfied by our partner which were satisfied by other collectives before. We manage love as a coincident miracle, which can happen with us. We think if we find our “the one” we live happily forever together. And now here we are again in the middle of a myth again. Fortunately our relationships are more complex than that, and have a lots of opportunities for us.
In this hedonistic world we want everything immediately. Our joy searching needs are looking for immediate satisfaction but our relationship happiness means and takes a bit longer time where love can’t protect us from having problems or conflicts. In some cases we must activate our problem management resources, or learn new techniques but sometimes we must accept there are no solution for our problems. We must be able to face and learn how to handle those upcoming pains and sufferings which are caused by problems or crises with or without asking help. That’s how we learn, develop and improve.
What is the key for a good functioning relationship? What is its dynamism, progression or difficulties? What can we do for having harmony, living in harmony with our partner?
The modern world has brought a lot of changes into how we maintain a relating to other people in our relationship as well, what kind of expectations we have towards to our partner. If we hear desire/wish and expectation we can find two different underlying meaning mass. Regarding these two words we all have different association or thoughts. If we talk about desires or wishes, comes up like what we would like, what crave for, what we yearn of or what is the center of our reverie and what for we are eager and be able to wait patiently. With the word of expectation we transmit something different, like what we want, what we must have to be and feel well.
The nature of relationship has been changing a lot, and also the fact what we expect or can expect from our partner in a relationship. For a long time marriage was the prototype of relationship. A while ago marriage meant two people live together and form producing/economic unit. Cultivated lands, kept of livestock to provide for their own family. There one expectation existed, commitment to each other. Husband and wife worked for to achieve the same goal, relatively close to each other. Since they worked and were close to each other they had common experiences. In the 17th century another expectation appeared, to have emotions. Appeared the ideal of love, and the perfect conditions was to love and being loved, and having commitments to each other. The aim was to find “the one” and live happily forever in love. By time another expectation appeared as well, like having a good intimacy with our partner. Commitment, love and being good in bed and we expect and want them non-stop. We want to be happy all the time with our partner but reality often creates another outcomes. Just see that, how many hours we spend separately from our partner just with working. Not long time ago another expectation have got seen: spiritual growth together. Having a demand to grow-develop together to not lose our connection. Here create the list of expectations has not been finished, we have more and more complex expectations which must be satisfied by our partner. On that score our doubtfulness can increase towards ourselves and according to the ideal, like really one person is able to fulfill all of our complex expectations? Is she/he is “the one”?