Expectations in relationship – Who is in the focus?
In time the focus had been shifted from “us” to “me or I”. Visible how we used more often in the past “we” but nowadays we use more self-preferentiality which means we use more often “I or me”. Today we think that: “You are (here with me) to give me.” It means we need another person for building up ourselves best version, being ourselves.
The need of connection
When we define ourselves we do it always related to others who with we interact in our different roles. We define ourselves differently as a mother, a friend or a wife so we exist with different expectations in every each different roles. In our relationships also appeared an expectation which is, our partner or friend finds out or see what we need, like mind-reading. This called mentalization. The ability of mentalization means, we are able to step in the other person’s shoes, we are able to think with the other person’s mind and we are able to figure out the other person’s desires or wishes. Successful mentalization is necessary to connect to others. With learning mentalization, our self-image and how is to love and being loved, is becoming built in our functioning schemas. We learn how safe to show ourselves or our own emotions, or how our love is acceptable to others. If we have maladaptive schemas regarding to relationship that influences our way of feeling and thinking and acting in roles. Until we identify maladaptive schemas, we carry them from relationship to relationship doing exactly the same mistakes all the time, over and over again.
We must learn to understand and use our partner’s love language, getting into his/her system to get closer. Love language is how we express our love to our partner.
While the number of our expectations are increasing, we see how, the illusion of the perfect world is growing as well. We can read about perfect families, perfect relationships, about perfect conflict managements and with those statements we face with a fact we do not live our life on a perfect way. This PICTURE PERFECT ILLUSION really can cause an invisible anxiety daily. Perfection is always depends on a point of view. What exactly means perfect? Everything what we see or feel as reality we do through our own preferences, which defines our values, expectations and ideologies. If we know our own expectations and desires, and we do effort to know and discover our own emotional blind-spot, decrease it, in this case we are able to see ourselves more clearly in our relationships as well and functioning better.