Sometimes we get a feeling of emptiness, like there is an empty hole on the place of our heart. The feeling of emptiness often urges us to find someone in a short time who are able to love us. We think if we have someone who overwhelms us with love that would fill up the gap and we feel completed again.
Soon we find someone who seems ideal well we match perfectly. When we are in company that gap disappears and we feel perfectly satisfied. The feeling of desperation and emptiness is gone. The feeling of being together with this person as fascinated we start to neglect of our other social connections and activities. Our life gets centered around him/her because we need this person to feel peaceful and completed.
Our self-esteem and confidence starts to be connected to this person, we are becoming clinging. Since this person means everything to us, we are becoming hypersensitive for every signs which refers to that this person is not so committed to us. We start to behave irrationally regarding to the time what we spend separately from him/her, we become jealous of he/she spends time with friends, colleagues or his/her own things. We realize that not logical to react for these situations with jealousy but we feel that we are not that important in this person’s life as we expect because he/she spends time with others.
Innumerous ways we look for confirmation and acknowledgements from the other person. Meanwhile the painful emptiness feeling which was swept under the carpet appears time by time. We are afraid and ask that more and more often “Do you still love me?” (Shows a very strong insecurity) or saying that “You do not even care about me, I am not important for you.” We show that we are angry and may threaten him/her with breaking up, just to see how she/he reacts for it, to get acknowledge from him/her we are still important to him/her. We desperately need to be in the other person’s center of focus and get our needs satisfied by him/her as well. We might become strong controllers and we can’t stop it even if we see this kind of behaviour generates conflicts. The pain what we feel is stronger and over-rule the rational behaviour. Controlling him/her just generates distance between. Unfortunately these kind of behaviour forms just increasing emotional distance between two people.
What can we do?
First of all I truly believe that if you don’ feel happy, completed and satisfied alone, you will not get them from someone else as the way these emotions should develop and work. Not all the time in every situation and this emotional defenceless makes us very vulnerable and dependent. Also this emotional dependence makes an emotional enmeshment and vanishing personal boundaries. Second if we feel unhappy, uncompleted and unsatisfied alone we are getting into a relationship also uncompleted, unhappy and unsatisfied, so we are not able to give our best. This is not a good starting point for a relationship, well our new partner is not our parent, substitute or donor.
I am giving you some tips how you can avoid to get into a circle which surely sooner or later will destroy your relationship.
- Observe yourself and become aware of how you look for acknowledgement from the other and how you want or try to control him/her. If you have a chance ask for honest feedbacks from your partner about your behaviour.
- Practice how you can love your partner. To love someone includes also that we support our partner to live his/her life fully. Think of what means love or love someone and see how they are presented (or not) in your relationship and actions.
- Be focused on the positive side of the relationship instead of the negative part. If we pay too much attention to something that might become a permanent screen.
- Look for activities which make you feel good or happy. Important to find some things what we can do alone as well and they improve our self-esteem and well-being.
- Accept that fact, it takes time to learn respecting the time what we spend alone but not impossible.
- Examine that whether how much you idealize your partner? Allow yourself to see him/her objectively with all of the positive and negative characteristic together.
- Discover your own values and strength. If it is difficult to point them out just think what kind of values you would like to represent and act like that. If you feel worthless that increases the fear to be abandoned and your dependence.
- Work on your personality. Know what important to you and what makes you feel happy. Try new activities or get experiences which make you feel proud of yourself.
These tips are just tools what you can try. To get rid out of this destructive behaviour you need to open your eyes, you must be enough strong to face with your own negative part. Feeling alone uncompleted, unhappy and unsatisfied always show us there are unsolved issues. If you feel you would like to get help to solve it, contact me.
We are all personally responsible for our own well-being.