Series of failures can tend to damage our self-esteem on a serious way. Those failures sometimes do not seem that much serious from some one’s point of view outside as we see it. However self-esteem is able to be under control by us. The key to keep and sustain our self-value is to learn how to feel sympathy with ourselves. We often use self-exaggeration and minimizing failures but they give just temporary mitigation.
Self-esteem or self-estimation can be define by self-value. Several things influence our self-esteem.
We all have two sources of self-value feelings.
The first is the internal-basic one which is made by early childhood experiences. Its source is mainly the parental reflection: a child experiences its own self-value very early. If we had experienced mainly negative feedbacks from our parents (strong criticisms, emotional deprivation, verbal or physical abuses, absence), our early first self-value experiences are negative. Since this is a base, the foundation of our self-value, everything which come later, (even if they are positive) will be based on an unstable foundation. To solve this self-esteem problems (internal-basic) most of the time requires professional help. Negative self-value experiences are often strong imprinting and over-write them is very difficult without guidance.
The other source is external. Our aspiration has an important role when we define our self-value: like how we execute our goals, what kind of failures we go through.
Well, our self-esteem is a dynamic construction and even if we have a stable internal base it can lose balance. If our plans turn out wrong we can get into a private life or a professional crises, or both in the same time. These crises can really affect our self-esteem. What can we do if we have the feeling of not being enough good?
Worth to train ourselves to feel sympathy with ourselves too like we do with improving our self-knowledge.
We must learn to accept in certain cases or situations that; we are like we are!
To feel sympathy with ourselves is not as easy as we think. When we try to extend our feeling of sympathy towards others onto ourselves we might come up against three difficulties.
- Self-criticism (I am so fool! I am stupid! I am a looser!)
Being nice and kind to ourselves is the first step to release often automatic thoughts or reactions. Just imagine that what would you think, feel or do if your best friend is scourging herself/himself like you do with yourself? Why don’t you treat yourself as you treat others? Like, your husband-wife, your child-children or best friend? Wouldn’t you deserve it? If we can stay understanding with ourselves in quandaries later fighting through all difficulties become easier. The cores of those automatic negative thoughts and reactions were implanted most of the times in our childhood by our parents mainly.
- Isolation (Just I can be this stupid! It is me again who is a fool! I am a looser!)
Make yourself realize that you are not alone with a problem. Series of failures and successes are inseparable from human nature, they are in everybody’s life. We all have opportunities to as help and support. Being and dealing alone with a problem is always a choice, made by us.
- Rumination on negative thoughts (I should not have done this! I should have said that! If I have done..!)
To release negative feelings which come from done events or happenings, we need to use present-consciousness. If we step back a bit from our current emotions, observe ourselves objectively we can get away painful and most of the times false speculations. Analyze facts separately from emotions and take conclusions, what we can do next time differently. Why we did this or that but from an objective point of view. Also those happenings are done and unfortunately we can not go back in time and change them. Done is done!
What come from feeling sympathy with ourselves and what do not
The feeling of sympathy with ourselves doesn’t preclude purposes of self-improvement or growth and doesn’t preclude the possibility of change as well but negative emotions are able to inspire us to change to positive alteration.
The feeling of sympathy with ourselves is not self-exaggeration, not a self-judgement and not self-confidence as well. Nothing else just a defensive factor, in cases when we have negative feelings towards to ourselves which come from the incompetent feeling of the situation. It is not easy but with practicing we get several positive attitudes.
Feeling sympathy with ourselves implies higher emotional resilience and emotional stability. Supports us approaching problems from several different kind of point of views and make a more correct self-definition. It sustains the establishment of correct self-estimation and its perpetuance.
In the Humanistic Psychology, Carl Rogers believed that, the most important thing is to reinforce self-image. The value of characteristics are relative but if we try to focus on positive experiences and our positive characteristics, we are able to discover stunning values for ourselves. Everything start with ourselves, love, care, understanding, trust…etc.
Be kind and nice with yourself because you deserve it. If you don’t treat yourself kindly what kind of treatment do you expect from others?