Our relationships are very important in a point of view of health, like mentally, emotionally and physically being healthy. The quality of our relationships influences us very strongly, like a very good relationship can be therapeutically effective, where we can trust and rely on somebody and can get an objective feedback, like a mirror. In a good relationship we are able to change. However often happens that the relationship what we have doesn’t provide too much happiness, joy or security.
The emotional availability and response is surpassingly important in a relationship. If our search for closeness is not satisfied properly, desperation, anger and negative behaviour spiral can appear which can cause endless arguments.
The established emotional bonding in early childhood affects how we react to emotional insecurity. The adult emotional bonding can become hyperactive when we look for contact exaggeratedly, becoming clingy, questioning our partner or becoming aggressive and over-controlling. The emotional bonding can become deactivated as well. In this case we run away, stepping out from those situations when our partner would recall our needs and we try to push away our own needs. Often this two occurrences is visible on two people who are together as a couple. One of them is persecuting and the other is running away.
Unsolved conflicts (swept under the carpet) can freeze the relationship.
If we look behind this dynamic we can see how lonely these two people are and they experience the same insufficiencies but they cope with it on a different way. When a problem or insecurity appears in a relationship, fear and insecurity feeling are switched on which can freeze the relationship completely. These buttons can get activated by a real negative experience or by a real or fictive danger which is threatening our relationship. The persecutor can afraid of becoming abandoned and the fugitive can afraid of becoming refused. Behind the arguments and misunderstandings there are untold questions like – Can I trust you? Do you stand by me? Am I important to you? Do you accept and respect me?
In this persecutor-fugitive relationship the best what we can do (if we don’t ask professional help) is to call deeper emotional levels because just in this way we can see our partner on a more empathic way and can recognize our own and our partner’s emotional needs. Often not enough to improve our communication skills to dissolve these type of games (child-parent game; persecutor-fugitive; victim-savior etc.)
The first step is always recognition, like observing our relationship if it’s balanced or not. Are we on the same level or you act like a parent and I obey as a child? Am I too needy or are you unavailable always?
The key of a happy relationship is always about balance.