Emotional regulation – advices for regulating our emotions

The essence of regulating emotions is to control/regulate behavioral reactions for our emotional situation. Most of the people already in kindergarten age are able to reflect consciously for different emotions and they know which they would like to express and which ones don’t. However nobody teaches us which emotional regulation techniques/methods are advantageous or disadvantageous.

In some situations we do everything to express, prolong and intensify different emotions of course depending on if they are negative or positive emotions. For instance when we have a good time with our friends we try to prolong to end it and leave. Or when we are a disappointed customer we try to maintain our anger to complain.

In other cases we try to make blunt or destroy our emotions. Like if we got into a university but our best friend didn’t, we try to make blunt our happiness in front of our friend. Most of us try to get rid of negative emotions (sadness, frustration) to feel better and not being a “problem” to someone else. Sometimes we make an effort to maintain or stop negative emotions but the main question is how we do it?

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We are able to keep our emotional reactions under mental control on a several different ways. For instance: if we become very angry or upset with our partner after an argument, we can try to cool down our mind simply with focusing onto another more positive thing, like a good book. It’s called distraction. We also can try to re-evaluate the situation, using a more objective view on it or finally trying to discuss in detail with our partner, we might be able to resolve the conflict together.

These techniques can be used together and also make sense if we use these techniques step by step. Might be the best strategy to use distraction as long as we feel angry and just after cooling down re-evaluate the situation and after have a discussion in detail with our partner to find solution. To choose our emotional regulation methods is not always conscious but our affective answers are intuitive and automatic.

What is the consequence to use each emotion regulation strategy?

Let’s suppose that, our grandmother gives us a very old style pullover but made by her for our birthday. She is able to detect if we are happy about the gift or not by checking reactions on our face. So we can try to control our emotion like hiding our disappointment or dislike with a smile (suppression). There is also another method as well, re-evaluating the original situation, re-interpret and change it. Like as our parents said all the time “Not the gift, the intention is important!” and according to this we can re-evaluate the situation reminding ourselves that, not so common to get a handmade gift, and also she made so much effort and spent time to make this pullover. After this short internal monologue our smile on our face is going to be more honest and not feigned. There is a way to be happy about an old-stylish pullover and not hurting our grandmother’s feeling. This is called re-framing technique.

Of course both of these methods is going to make our grandmother feeling satisfied about the success of the gift but the forced facial expression can make us uncomfortable and this uncomfortable feeling appears not just in the suppressive person, also in another. However the re-framing technique has not this “psychological price” because we don’t suppress our emotional but transform it. Some research results suggest that there is a price to be paid for suppressing our facial expression in our cognitive processes.

Re-interpret those situations which produce actual emotions is called deep acting seems/is a better solution than superficially manipulating our mimicking which called surface acting. In a short term distraction also seems better than chaffing about the situation. Chaffing forces us to re-think our negative emotion’s preliminaries and consequences continuously but watching a good movie or doing physical training for instance can calm down our negative whirling emotions. After eliminating the uncomfortable condition, solving the problem calmly can be more successful.

And you? How is your emotional regulation? Are you able to control and properly handling them? If you would like to get closer to yourself, to your desires and to your emotions, I have a good news for you. It’s learnable and available.

Source: Smith, E. E., Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Fredrickson, B. L., & Loftus, G. R. (2005). Atkinson & Hilgard Psychology.

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Mental emergency management

We often have to face with difficult situations which can cause unbearable anxiety, fear, pain and internal tense. In these critical situations our self-defense and response mechanisms get activated which basic roles are maintaining the integrity of our personality and to avoid mental breakdowns or catastrophe.  I’m giving you a short introduction about important psychological processes of defense mechanism.

According to Sigmund Freud (establisher of psychoanalytic school) our personality is made up of three main parts (id, ego, superego) which working mutually together defines the complex human behaviour. Freud proposed three structures of the psyche or personality:

    Id: The id is the unconscious reservoir of the libido, the psychic energy that fuels instincts and psychic processes. It is a selfish, childish, pleasure-oriented part of the personality with no ability to delay gratification. Ancient and subconscious part which includes all of the inherited and instinctive mental elements. It reflects the internal world of subjective experience.

    Ego: The ego acts as a moderator between the pleasure sought by the id and the morals of the superego, seeking compromises to pacify both. It can be viewed as the individual’s “sense of time and place”, the reality. Follows the idea of reality.

    Superego: The superego contains internalized societal and parental standards of “good” and “bad”, “right” and “wrong” behaviour, which is made by parental socialization. They include conscious appreciations of rules and regulations as well as those incorporated unconsciously.

Freud dissociated three different types of anxiety:

  1. Reality anxiety: made by fear from the possible danger of outside world.
  2. Neurotic anxiety: subconscious fear of losing control on instincts and doing something which is going to be punished.
  3. Moral anxiety: appears when we are willing to break a learnt (introjected) moral norm.

The anxiety warns the person that something bad is going to happen this internal tense is a sign to the ego, if the necessary steps won’t be done, it can cause dangerous consequences.

In the case of anxiety the ego can react on two ways. On the one hand the ego can focus on to try to cope with the danger and on the other hand the ego is not able to release the anxiety which can “grow” until it’s becoming traumatic. This is when our defense mechanisms start to work. Our defense mechanisms come into being during the personality development, that’s why they are different. There are primitive and mature types. Two things are the same in every each level of them, they work mainly subconsciously and to release the anxiety they reshape, distort and twist the reality.

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Types of defense mechanisms

Repression: unconscious process when a feeling is hidden and forced from the consciousness to the unconscious because it is seen as socially unacceptable. This process check the impulses of the id to be expressed and supersedes too painful or too frightful memories. This is completely different from the suppression which is about thoughts and that process in conscious.

Denial: when the person completely deny the unbearable (seems like) situation or condition. For instance if an important person passed away but his/her family member can’t accept the fact acts like this person is still alive.

Projection: in this process the person projects his/her own unacceptable impulses to another person. For instance if a boy hates his father but this negative feeling is unacceptable for him, so he projects his hate onto his father, stating that his father hates him. In this way the distorted hostile feelings become bearably expressible for the child. Projection decreases the anxiety like replacing the great danger with a less important one and in the meantime provides possibility for the person to express and feel own negative impulses as a defense.

Reaction formation: acting the opposite way that the unconscious instructs a person to behave. Like when love steps into the place of hate which is completely different than real love because it’s often exaggerated and obsessive.

Rationalization: Convincing oneself that no wrong has been done and that all is or was all right through faulty and false reasoning. An indicator of this defense mechanism can be seen socially as the formulation of convenient excuses.

Intellectualization: A form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects.

Regression: falling back into an early state of mental/physical development seen as “less demanding and safer”

Undoing: a person tries to ‘undo’ an unhealthy, destructive or otherwise threatening thought by acting out the reverse of the unacceptable. Involves symbolically nullifying an unacceptable or guilt provoking thought, idea, or feeling by confession or atonement.

Displacement: defense mechanism that shifts (sexual or aggressive) impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening. For example, a parent may yell at their child because they are angry with their spouse.

Sublimation: transformation of unhelpful emotions or instincts into healthy actions, behaviors, or emotions, for example, doing sport can transform aggression into a game.

We all use defense mechanisms temporarily or permanently. We can have preferred defense mechanisms but not always beneficial if we get stuck in one of the process permanently. These mechanisms have defense functions but also the reality distorting processes require a lot of energy and saddle the dynamic of our social relationships. In a long term they can cause serious mental or physical illnesses.

Mature defense mechanism

These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered mature, even though many have their origins in an immature stage of development. They have been adapted through the years in order to optimize success in human society and relationships. The use of these defenses enhances pleasure and feelings of control. These defenses help to integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts, whilst still remaining effective.

Acceptance: a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a difficult or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.

Courage: the mental ability and willingness to confront conflicts, fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, despair, obstacles, vicissitudes or intimidation. Physical courage often extends lives, while moral courage preserves the ideals of justice and fairness.

Emotional self-regulation: the ability to respond to the ongoing demands of experience with the range of emotions in a manner that is socially tolerable. Emotional self-regulation refers to the processes people use to modify the type, intensity, duration, or expression of various emotions.

Emotional self-sufficiency: not being dependent on the validation (approval or disapproval) of others.

Forgiveness: cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offence, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand retribution or restitution.

Gratitude: a feeling of thankfulness or appreciation involving appreciation of a wide range of people and events. Gratitude is likely to bring higher levels of happiness, and lower levels of depression and stress.

Humility: a mechanism by which a person, considering their own defects, has a humble self-opinion. Humility is intelligent self-respect which keeps one from thinking too highly or too meanly of oneself.

Identification: the unconscious modelling of one’s self upon another person’s character and behaviour.

Moderation: the process of eliminating or lessening extremes and staying within reasonable limits. It necessitates self-restraint which is imposed by oneself on one’s own feelings, desires etc.

Patience: enduring difficult circumstances (delay, provocation, criticism, attack etc.) for some time before responding negatively.

Respect: willingness to show consideration or appreciation. Respect can be a specific feeling of regard for the actual qualities of a person or feeling being and also specific actions and conduct representative of that esteem.

Tolerance: The practice of deliberately allowing or permitting a thing of which one disapproves.

 

Source: Charles S. Carver & Michael F. Scheier: Personalistic Psychology

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Stress management

Fragmentation, defense and coping – Important how we cope with difficulties

Coping with stress has become one of the most basic competency in our world. Someone who is incapable to re-balance oneself again and again becoming seriously ill after a while. But also very important how re-balancing is done as a protection from stress. With some strategies we can make our situation even worse. To avoid more serious problems let’s see the 3 main levels of stress management.

Coping style in difficult situations has is a significant role, because the level of stress and its destruction depends on the success of coping style and not on the intensity of the trauma. So if our coping style’s toolbox is more mature, we are able to stay healthier in crises. Norma Haan identified and differentiated three levels regarding to effectiveness: Coping, Defense and Fragmentation.

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According to Hann the coping strategy like facing with the problem is the most mature and healthiest in conflicts. Defense is less favorable because using it in a long term can cause neurotic conditions. The fragmentation technique has a pathological nature, using it exaggeratedly in a long term can cause psychotic episodes. That’s why it’s useful to know how those levels work and how to change them and make them more effective, protecting our mental and physical health.

Fragmentation is on the most primitive coping mechanism level. Its point is contradicting the reality (re-writing) as a reaction for stress. Fragmentation is specially ritual and emotional character following individual rules, and works irrationally. This coping style destructs the objective system of the reality and that’s why just in extreme situation mentally healthy people use it and just for moments. People with psychotic disorders can be trapped in fragmentation for a longer time period. Fragmentation anaesthetizes just temporarily. Like hebefrenia, when someone reacts to stress very unnaturally.

Defense, or parrying is on a bit higher ego function, which essence is using self-defense mechanisms (projection, rationalization etc.). Using defense mechanisms are still forced, denial and rigid, not just distort the reality and logic but also release expression of hidden impulses. This parrying embodies a desire which is to get rid out of anxiety but without solving the problem in real and detailed. But unfortunately it’s a lie. One of the possible form is slipping back into earlier developmental stage (infantile mainly). It’s a kind of regression. For instance when an adult makes a tantrum because of an outcome of stress, behaving like a child who believes with flapping, shouting or swearing can avoid the uncomfortable situation what facing with. Regression can conform for a while but doesn’t solve the problem.

Facing with the problem as a coping style is on the highest level on stress management strategy. On this level we have a psyche consciousness and flexible change, so we can stay in the objective reality and able to express proper emotions as well. The coping style can be cognitive and affective. Affective “emotional” coping doesn’t solve the problem by itself but energizing and provides the feeling of controlling the situation. The cognitive (intellectual) coping essence is to examine the stressful situation, evaluate and systematically processing it. It’s not so comfortable but necessary sometimes.

Interesting the fact that humor is the most mature form of coping with conflicts. The essence of humor is that under emotional pressure we don’t take ourselves seriously. It seems childish but it’s not. Even if we make fun of the difficulty that doesn’t mean we deny it or underestimate it. We have a clear view of the problem but we don’t let the stress to disable us. We are able to stay calm and solve it.

Make yourself more resilient!

Not easy to recognize when and which coping style we are using. The truth is all of them are in the repertory of our mind and they are kind of automatic and can remain unknowing. Also known there are people who are more susceptible to defense than cope. But this doesn’t mean we can’t change! Some forms of coping style can be learnt and changed by raising awareness and practicing.

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Failure is the greatest master

To report on if we failed our exam or couldn’t accomplish anything in our new job or in our new business is considered as sad. We rather stay in silence than share because others may believe we failed. However these happenings of our life are not failures, they are lessons. It might sound corny but this is one of the subject where we can use the half glass point of view, like half empty or half full. If we really think through deeply all of our failures we always can find treasure-lessons what we have learnt.

I’m sure you already have experienced that getting pity or sympathetic but in real compassionate look from others when you had to talk about something what you were not able to achieve or went wrong. Honestly we don’t like to talk about these things by ourselves, just when we are questioned directly. We have a good reason to not talk about them: these small or big mistakes can suggest that, we are not enough measured by society.

When we must tell about our failure often we use a tactic like a pupil who studies bad and must explain the grades. Namely we work in our explanations and excuses explaining why it went wrong and why it is/was our fault. But this is a very bad tactic.

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The proper mindset is worth its weight in gold.

Our failures are not to be ashamed of or secret cases. They are concomitant of life, happen with everybody so they are universal. Actually they are very useful episodes what from we can have benefits. Depends on our mindset if these failures become obstacles, embarrassing experiences or they become useful experiences what we can use for personal development. Mindset is a noun of multitude of basic attitudes, which define how we decide in our turning points of life or how we react in critical time periods.

According to Carol Dweck psychologist there are people with fixed attitude and there are with developmental attitude. The fix attitude type of people believe everyone must deal with those capacities what they inherited. Like if a person knows things that means he/she is smart, if doesn’t that means he/she is not enough smart. People with developmental attitude believe every each person develops through life, experience and learn.

Actually this is the key for constructive failure management.

What did I do wrong and what can I learn from it?

People with developmental attitude don’t get scarred by failures because they don’t evaluate themselves as sign of not being enough. If something doesn’t go well they say “I don’t know this YET!” and they think “I will learn it in the future!”

The first step of this kind of mindset is being enough brave to face with what we don’t know. So, they sit down, examine carefully the situation and look for what they did wrong. Someone who is explaining the failure doesn’t even reach this point, not able to see what did wrong and can’t take any developmental conclusion.

Of course the retrying, correction, learning and the attacking the task can come just after the recognition. The criterion of successful person is not to desert failures (those situations) but holding to his/her breast. Because exactly from those situations he/she is able to figure out what are his/her defects and on which areas she/he can improve.

If we were able to overstep the sense of shame what with the society labels those situations what can’t be done by trying once, we would get an authentic picture how we are, what we have achieved and where we are on our way to reach our goals. Just when we look back we can see and recognize those failures were milestones in our personal development.

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Destructive self-criticism

Our internal monologues can be encouraging and inspiring but also can be an obstacle to reach our goals. If we continuously start with negative posing like self-criticism or self-blaming that can influence our mental capacity. How does an exaggerated self-criticism affect our life? How can we stop our very negative internal monologues? Can we change our narratives to a positive direction?

Our thoughts influence our behaviour and also influence how we feel. The way how we think is able to make us capable for self-fulfillment. Let’s see an example: We have applied for a job and we have the interview today. On the way to the interview our monologue is like “I won’t get this job.” Because of this though we are becoming discouraged (emotional reaction because of the thought) and it’s becoming visible on our body as well (Physical reaction) Like our shoulders is sunk, to make eye contact is becoming difficult and our tone of voice is changed. Overall, we create weak impression which is kind of sabotage of our own success. Here is the procedure:

Negative though →  Emotional reaction →  Physical reaction

A lot of people suffer from own strong self-criticism. They often question their decisions, they are irresolute, they have catastrophic thoughts about future and often use harsh, critical expressions about themselves. With what kind of strategy can we change this kind of behaviour? I’m giving you some practices from my therapy.

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First of all is to pay attention to your thoughts!

We get used to our internal narratives and easily forget what kind of messages we send to ourselves. Start to pay attention your thoughts. Recognize how often you make a mistake like mocking yourself, your mistakes or weaknesses. Can also happen that you are demotivating yourself to accomplish a difficult task or procrastinating it.

Approximately we have 60,000 thoughts per day and this can be 60,000 chance to send constructive or 60,000 destructive thoughts. To recognize and attain the pattern of our thoughts is a key element to understand that how our own thoughts can influence our life.

Study the situation!

We must acknowledge that; it’s not always truth what we think. Actually we are negative very often. To study all of the evidences is important before making a final judgement. For instance: You have to make a presentation tomorrow and you think “For sure I’m going to be embarrassed.” Okay, so grab a piece of paper and write down all of the evidences which support your thought. After please write down all of those which predestinate your success. The study of both sides can make you see more rationally the situation and less emotionally. Remind yourself that our thoughts can’t predict the future 100%.

Start to do physical activity!

Problem solving is useful but chaffing about the past is destructive. If you played over and over again all those mistakes what you have made in the past or you were not able to stop chaffing about the happening in the past you will completely destroy yourself. The solution is change the focus of your thoughts. The most effective solution s physical activity. Look for something which can distract your negative thoughts. Call a friend, go for a run or walk and try to be presented. See and feel what you are doing. Don’t “sit” in a negative though circulation.

Replace your exaggerated negative thoughts with real pronouncements!

After you found out that your negative thoughts are not completely truth try to replace them with more real pronouncements. For instance: “I will never get promoted!” sentence can be changed for “If I work hard enough it will have a positive result” Notice that; don’t use unreal positive pronouncements as well, they can be the same destructive as a serious lack of self-confidence.

Realistic and balanced conceptions are key elements to be mentally strong and level-headed man.

Evaluate the gravity of the situation!

Strange but also common to predict more catastrophic outcome as it can happen in real. People with destructive self-criticism are more willing to be prepared for the worst case scenario than others. Negative thoughts negative emotions. For instance we didn’t get that job. Is it really catastrophic? It can be painful to get refused but it doesn’t mean all the time this is the end of the world.

What could you advise to a friend?

Being permissive with other people often is easier than with ourselves. Just think of it, if your friend made a similar mistake as you did, would you use the same words and same criticism as you use with yourself? Probably not. If our beloved ones have a difficult time usually we reassure them instead of highlighting their mistakes. Why can’t you do the same with yourself?

You can use this strategy. Ask yourself! What would I say to a friend in the same situation?

Be your best friend!

Balance the self-improvement with self-aspect!

There is a relevant difference between “I’m not enough good” and “There are still possibilities to improve myself”. We must try to accept our weaknesses and defects and in the meantime striving to improve them. It may sound conflicting but possible to do it. First we must accept our present emotions even if they are connected to future like fears. In the other hand we can improve ourselves on those areas where we don’t feel enough safe.

Our mind can be our best friend but also our scariest enemy. Important to learn to handle it! The good news is those exercises which can help to change our way of thinking is learnable and can help to decrease destructive self-criticism. With their advantages we are able to have an effective internal monologue which can support our motivation and goals.

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Positive psychology – repression

„Keep eye just on the positive things!” „Close out negative things in your life!” Catch-phrases nowadays, we repeat them almost daily. Positive psychological confirmations are very fashionable to reach a “good life”. Very often I experience how people would love to wipe out every negative emotions from their daily life. Even though they are part of us since we are humans. They want to wipe out anger, sadness and stress which is almost impossible. The key is to learn and being able to handle them on a healthy level.

Really is it a good/happy life without negative emotions?

Positive psychology – like tendency – appeared around 20 years ago. Its principia is being focused on positive things and our best attributes and with this view/mindset we are able to live a much better life. Definitely it’s a better approach than the old illness focus.

Our world is fast, there are solutions for everything, analgesia instantly as well. Immediately when we experience a grain of negative feeling, we find something what with it can be relieved. However there are eternal human basic emotions which are not going to disappear just because we have a faster internet and they will not stop existing just because we drive a more comfortable car. My personal and professional experience is the main problem of people nowadays is to tolerate trouble. Their tolerance level of taking negative things or emotions is decreasing. They can’t do anything with something which can’t be changed just accepted and taken.

Taking? Come on! That takes so much time, energy and patience! – Most of the people say. They are frightened of it.

So the solution is to run away from it or rephrasing, thinking of other things or don’t acknowledge it. Besides lying to ourselves one of the most popular solution (Number 1) is to push away and trying to forget it. There is just only one problem with forgetting and repressing, nobody never could have done it successfully 100%. The human psyche always remembers and wants to heal, even if it has to push through the ego protection mechanisms.

The price of repression

Being focus just on positive things (elimination of negative) for a long time has a huge price. Generally this is the time when unexplainable illnesses appear, when the body hurts but the psyche is sending messages – most of the time with screaming symbols in the symptoms. For instance a panic attack on a bus, which mostly not caused by public traffic. Appears generalized anxiety and depression just to remind us for our previous losses what from we are keep running away. Some people dig deeper and deeper daily to deepen their own mines just having more and more space for upcoming repressed things.

This is the “right” time when the concerned person is left alone, even if he/she acknowledge that having a problem, how can she/he share it with someone, in a time when it’s not fashionable to have negative feelings and sadness? The fear of not being a good member of a group is evolutionary coded in us. To belong to somewhere or to someone is the key of survive. Our life, emotions and self-esteem is strongly influenced by social media where thousands of pictures, posts and positive life coaching messages (they are my favorite-empty words) show how others are (seem) so happy. In this “society” it’s very difficult to undertake that Yes, I’m not okay and I might not being well for a while. It doesn’t fit the superficial picture perfect. So many people ask help when they are already broken down completely.

The beginning of solution

Still there is a delusion if someone goes to a therapist few times, that person will fill him/her up with happiness again and being able to hold on again for a while. The good and bad news are the same: it’s not happening in therapy which is successful in a long-term. The therapist doesn’t solve our problem, but coming down into its depth, can take our pain and hold us. In the real process first the clients must find those words what with can talk about those things which hurt most. If she/he has found the words, then those negative happening can be put into timeline.

But to be able to face with our problems and difficulties, one thing is definitely necessary: accepting life as it is – doesn’t matter how it is. Don’t rephrase it, not using rationalization and justification, just accept it. Releasing our faith in justice which says bad things happen just with bad people. Accepting that loss is part of life, which will happen with all of us and it doesn’t matter if we think of it or not. Inevitable. Loss is one of our mutual experience but how we react and handle it depends on us. We actively can do for our own well-being and this is our personal responsibility.

Missed opportunities

Often we think, we are more talented what we have achieved till now. We feel we were born to be more or something else but we don’t do anything to get it. A new year is here and we realize we wasted another year. This can scare us, we made our New Year resolution or made a vow, set up new goals but often the real motivation is missing, the internal intention. What can happen if we don’t have the internal intention? Could we live our life what we actually already have? Is it enough what we have achieved till now?

The answer usually is no but often we don’t reach to act. When we get stuck to fulfil our plan usually we blame the impending elements and the missing opportunities. However new alternatives are opened in every part of our life for the Y generation. Even if it’s about study, new job or founding a family. We have more freedom and space of movements. We have infinite opportunities but because of that, the choice is even more difficult.

Doubts

To find the right way or make the right choice didn’t become easier or simple. Actually to find the perfect is more difficult in the infinite alternatives. We don’t know the future, we face with more and more difficulties to calculate risk and also the possibility of failure scares us. But it’s a basic expectation to be successful in life so we don’t want to be stigmatized by wrong decisions. I can see young adults with the age of twenties are not able to commit themselves to decide. The unexpected outcome scares them, they are not willing to take responsibility so that’s why they push away the burden of choice. They let themselves to be influenced to choose too much by their parents, friends. They swim with the tide and they try to fill up everybody’s expectations. Since the internal intention has been missing, there is no will behind, they just waste their time not being and feeling successful and satisfied. Years of university studies are protracted, the carrier is stuck and the opened and aimless “neither with or nor without you” opened relationships are typical.

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Avoiding failure and hesitation

This hesitation is understandable, it’s important who and what for we spend our time, energy and money. Instead of the choice of joy often the fear of sacrifice hinders us. We don’t look for prosperity in what we could choose, we grieve about what we must give up in exchange for it. This uncertain situation and condition is becoming a disadvantage, we lose time and without acting. We can lose years from our life if we are afraid of failure and don’t venture to start boldly on unknown.

If the decision and the mental commitment doesn’t develop for a choice, it’s very difficult to hold on and face with difficulties later. Instead of looking forward, we continuously look back and paying attention what we missed or lost the opportunities. We don’t do our best what we are doing recently that’s why we don’t experience real success and real satisfaction as well. Our internal suspense colors and settles on our entire life.

Nevertheless if we commit ourselves that influences our emotional and cognitive attitude later. We must trust in ourselves that we made a good decision for using our energy and time successfully to reach our goal. This investment usually pays off. (I must mention here nothing is for free! We get something if we go for it!) If we accept that the decision is our and we don’t act being pressured by others, so we are able to be connected emotionally to our choice which strengthens our persistence. At the end we don’t want to shift the responsibility upon others and take the consequences. There are always going to be difficulties but we must believe in ourselves we are able to take them. Our mind re-structures information coming from our environment, and re-structures those impulses according to prove and confirm our decision. This is the cognitive dissonancy and we need this basic support to be able to face with the difficulties.

Of course sometimes we make mistakes (we are not perfect) and make wrong decisions. The time and energy what we have used doesn’t worth. There is no other way than re-plan. A wrong decision is not a failure, not a stigma and doesn’t rate us. It’s something what we can learn from. All of the failures have their own treasures and to find them we need just one thing, bravery to look inside instead of blaming others or external factors.

I wish a Happy New Year for everyone! I wish you more love, joy and harmony!

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