Winners and losers – Book of destiny – Transaction analyses

Already has been proved that early childhood effects are determinant elements in our life, kind of a programing on our brain. Determines the path and the connection between neurons, establishing a special wiring and most of the times we act according to it and specifies our way of living and acting later.

According to transaction analyses these early childhood effects start in the breast feeding time and can shape our destiny later, becoming a winner or loser or one of their subtypes. These effects start like short scripts and later can expand into complex dramas. These short scripts are usually between two people, the mother and the child and can get short script tittles, like: Public performance; It’s not time yet!; When you finished dear; When I’m tired of it; Hurry!; Who is biting doesn’t get nipples!; When mom is smoking; Sorry, but the phone is ringing; Again, why is she/he dawdling?; Never enough to him/her!; First from the left and after from the right; She/he seems pale; Let him/her till it’s enough; Isn’t she/he adorable?; The golden moment of peace and love; Cradle-song.

These script tittles are telling a lot about the mother and also strongly about the effect which impacts the child willy-nilly.

Later the bathroom scenes become a little bit more complex, like: Look, how she/he is so adorable!; It’s time now!, Have you finished finally?; Just sit there my dear until you finished!; Hurry!; Smelly!; While mommy is smoking; Filling funnel; Take your cathartic; You become sick if it doesn’t come out; Let him/her to do as feel like it; Good boy/girl; Goooood boy/girl; I am singing while you are doing. In this time period often in these scenes three people are involved and the scripts can be like: I told you he/she hasn’t finished yet; Don’t let him/her to leave without doing it; I’ll teach him how to do it; Try harder; You are bother him/her darling; And why not….?; Well, yes but…..; She will outgrow it!

And later comparison can appear like, Susan already can do it!

Generally can be well predicted who will become a winner or a loser. Someone who even subconsciously heard that – Isn’t she/he adorable?! – and after two years later heard that – Great boy/girl, isn’t she/he? – presumably better/feels better than who heard that – Filling funnel! Again why is she/he dawdling again!.  Here parents plant the core of feeling that I’m okay or I’m not okay. This feeling is going to separate present and future princes/princesses from the present and future “frogs/ugly duckling” and their subtypes.

The subtypes:

  1. The Everlasting Prince/Princess (Isn’t he/she adorable?!) who has a successful and meaningful book of destiny. These children when they grow up, they have a more stable self-esteem than others, have opened mindset to others and differences (not everything black or white) and they look at problems as challenges on a positive way. Usually these adults are also emotionally grown up, they are able to see others like with using empathy and free from judgments.
  2. The Conditional Prince/Princess (Look how she/he is so adorable! Hurry!) who can stay as a prince/princess if he/she is meet the requirements. These children when they grow up have a misbelief which is if the others say I’m okay and they are happy that means I’m okay. Here the being loved just because of the way she/he is (unconditional love) has mixed up with the meaning of I’m loved because what and how I do. “We love you if….!”
  3. Conditional Frog/Ugly duckling (Who is biting doesn’t get nipples! Smelly! Seems pale!) who can stop being a Frog/Ugly duckling who doesn’t do anything against the conditions which have been set up by parents or others.
  4. Hideous Frog/Ugly duckling (While mommy is smoking;) can’t be saved. They are who have low or very unstable self-esteem, they are the perfect victims or abusers. They see the world in black or white and generally they are emotionally immature.

The Everlasting Prince/Princess can become a Frog/Ugly duckling just by a catastrophe and the Frog/Ugly duckling can become a Prince/Princess by miracle. Of course there are exceptions, people who had got awful messages but they were able to overcome, with or without help or those who have got all of the support and compliments and became narcissistic like a golden child.

These “messages” given by our parents or the lack of messages can be changed. First with understanding our current situation or condition (like low self-esteem), using recognition to see how they work and overwriting them.

The persecutor and the fugitive – relationship games

Our relationships are very important in a point of view of health, like mentally, emotionally and physically being healthy. The quality of our relationships influences us very strongly, like a very good relationship can be therapeutically effective, where we can trust and rely on somebody and can get an objective feedback, like a mirror. In a good relationship we are able to change. However often happens that the relationship what we have doesn’t provide too much happiness, joy or security.

The emotional availability and response is surpassingly important in a relationship. If our search for closeness is not satisfied properly, desperation, anger and negative behaviour spiral can appear which can cause endless arguments.

The established emotional bonding in early childhood affects how we react to emotional insecurity. The adult emotional bonding can become hyperactive when we look for contact exaggeratedly, becoming clingy, questioning our partner or becoming aggressive and over-controlling. The emotional bonding can become deactivated as well. In this case we run away, stepping out from those situations when our partner would recall our needs and we try to push away our own needs. Often this two occurrences is visible on two people who are together as a couple. One of them is persecuting and the other is running away.

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Unsolved conflicts (swept under the carpet) can freeze the relationship.

If we look behind this dynamic we can see how lonely these two people are and they experience the same insufficiencies but they cope with it on a different way. When a problem or insecurity appears in a relationship, fear and insecurity feeling are switched on which can freeze the relationship completely. These buttons can get activated by a real negative experience or by a real or fictive danger which is threatening our relationship. The persecutor can afraid of becoming abandoned and the fugitive can afraid of becoming refused. Behind the arguments and misunderstandings there are untold questions like – Can I trust you? Do you stand by me? Am I important to you? Do you accept and respect me?

In this persecutor-fugitive relationship the best what we can do (if we don’t ask professional help) is to call deeper emotional levels because just in this way we can see our partner on a more empathic way and can recognize our own and our partner’s emotional needs. Often not enough to improve our communication skills to dissolve these type of games (child-parent game; persecutor-fugitive; victim-savior etc.)

The first step is always recognition, like observing our relationship if it’s balanced or not. Are we on the same level or you act like a parent and I obey as a child? Am I too needy or are you unavailable always?

The key of a happy relationship is always about balance.

Picture: http://www.tjwalshtherapy.com

Emotionally immature parents

In one of my previous post I wrote about emotionally immature people, how they think and act. Now I’m giving you more information how they act as parents. There are four types of emotionally immature parent which is based on a scope of sensitivity-insensitivity; acceptance-refusal; cooperation-intervention and availability-ignorance.

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First type is the too emotional parent. This is the most infantile type, small things can upset them and everyone in the family must make every effort to calm them down. When they are going to pieces, the child (who is around) feels the despair, anger or hate of the parent with full intensity which causes a kind of walking on eggshells feelings to the family members, because they never know when the next breakdown is going to happen. These people are very unstable emotionally, in serious cases there are personality disorders in the background, like psychosis, bipolar disorder, narcissism or borderline personality disorders. Their uncontrolled feelings often can cause attempted suicide or hurting others physically or abusing emotionally or verbally. In their environment everybody is very nervous or anxious, especially the family members. These people’s mood can change easily, good and bad mood alternation. They are controlled by their own emotions and they see the world just in black or white and recording experienced offences. They are emotionally very manipulative what they use as a control on others. Since they have extreme mood alternations, family members think and feel, these people are scary and unreliable. (The sign is often very simple and recognizable, the child or children in the family is/are afraid of this parent.) These parents have a big difference in behaviour between home and work. (Home is safe to release anger and tension) Their children often learn to subjugate others.

Second type is the determined parents. They focus on tasks, which must be done. Their self-centrism is not so visible but their children suffer from lack of initiative and self-control. They have rigid opinions about human values and know what is good for others. They direct their children (sometimes partners as well) aggressively instead of accepting their development of interest and decisions. Continuously intervene in their children’s life and bustle without stopping, goals are more important than others’ feelings. They are proud of their own successes but feel shame if their children can’t or not able to achieve the same. They are not able to give unconditional acceptance which hinders their children in developing confidence which is one of the requirements of success. Most of the times they make their children feel being tested or evaluated which hinders their children asking support or help in the future. They remove autonomy and not able to attune their children’s continuously changing (which is normal) emotional needs but pushing them into a direction which they believe is correct. Their children feel they should do something else or more (always) to be enough good, to be loved. “Be successful” – destruction of autonomy

Third type is the passive parents. They are available emotionally till a certain level but become passive by experiencing intensive emotions. They don’t provide guidance and don’t set up borders. Usually children feel close these parents but if their needs clash with their parents’ need, they lose. These parents’ self-centrism appears in the need of being in the centre of attention. They easily can “go down” to their children’s maturity level but with exchanging of roles, their children shows unconditional acceptance and attention which also has negative consequences, like lack of guidance, support from the parent. The key point here is, the child is providing what the parent needs but the parent doesn’t give what the child needs, like protection, guidance and boundaries.

Fourth type is the refusal parents. These type of parents don’t feel good with interacting emotionally with their children. These children grow up feeling that would be better not being alive. These parents’ irritated reactions teach their children not getting close. They refuse every efforts which requires emotional involvement. They are susceptible to use corporal punishments and parents in this category has least empathy. They avoid eye contacts, rule the whole family and just their own needs and wishes are important. Every family member feel anxious and pay attention not to incur the hatred of this parent. A typical dictator type, centre of the world. Children of these type of parents struggle to express own basic needs.

Of course, not all of the emotionally immature parents show exactly the same or all of the characteristics as described above but they have patterns in common which are, basic emotional immaturity, self-centrism, narcissism, emotional unreliability, insensitivity, lack of empathy, disability of developing emotional intimacy, having distorted reality picture, low level of frustration tolerance, problem with respecting-keeping emotional boundaries (enmeshment or keeping too much distance) and using emotional manipulation.

Emotionally immature parents’ already grown up adult children suffer mainly from emotional loneliness and a feeling of deep emptiness.

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Emotionally immature parents

Children or already adult people who grown up with emotionally immature parents have two things in common, deep internal emptiness and emotional loneliness, which are the results of emotional abandonment-emotional deprivation. These children or adults have difficulties to establish emotional relation and emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy means I can be who I’m and I’m acceptable like this.

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Emotionally immature parents (EIP) are not able to give appropriate feedbacks to their child/children’s feelings, intuitions and because of the lack of accepting reaction, those children learn to doubt own inner voice, but learn to accept others opinion as their own. When these children can hear their own inner voice, the sense of guilt appears because they learnt their own needs is equal egoism. According to the coping style also they can become very dependent on others emotionally.

EIP basically are not able to satisfy their children’s emotional needs. Our emotional needs are basic; need of being wanted, being loved, being important for someone, being taken care.

Last week I wrote about emotionally immature people and now I’m giving you more characteristic of emotionally immature people how they act as parents, how their emotionally immature personality appears and influences their function as being a parent.

Lack of emotional reflection to the children. Reflection helps children to feel and see that, their parents listen to them and respect their own personality. EIP expect the opposite. They expect their children to reflect their own emotions but it’s a “mission impossible” for children. EIP hope when they become parents they will find peace inside but when they face with that children have their own needs and demands (being individual) these parents become very anxious. They use punishment, love deprival and humiliation to get back their control, re-establishing their self-esteem.

EIP’s self-esteem based and depends on the children’s obedience. They feel peace when everybody does what is expected and gets what they want. In real EIP’s self-esteem is very weak and they bear their children’s emotional world very badly. Often they blame children for their own failure. Every interaction is an exam to EIP, which is all about how much are they worth. They react very extremely for even slight resistance or reproach.

EIP consider family member functions and their places in the family as untouchable, intangible. They expect unconditional obedience and respect.

EIP expect things from their family members follow from their functions, (parent-God) they can do everything as parents because their parent function excuse them from taking into consideration others.

Forced functions. EIP force their children to behave, think and feel according to their given function. They achieve that using love deprival, humiliation and sense of guilt. The persistence in functions is rigid and inflexible and this is a rude querying of the child’s autonomy and right of own decisions. If they can’t reach this outcome they believe there is something wrong with the child.

Enmeshment is when two emotionally immature people look for their own identity and self-fulfilment in an intensive relationship based on mutual listening. They reach sense of security and foreseeing by the other person functions as known and expected. It causes a very strong emotional interdependence between them.

Favouritism. If an emotionally immature parent practice favouritism with one of the child most likely that parent is on that emotional level as the child. If the child has a strong independent personality that induces the parent to see this child as a small adult without need and not as a small vulnerable has to be taken care of child. In the case of dependence the child is unadaptable and has difficulties and when it comes to that the parent takes a victim or saviour function.

Substitute family members. When the child experience its own internal independent functions through someone else outside of the family.

Sense of time. EIP have a fragmented sense of time. The presence moment is immeasurable. Because of their momentary desires they are not able to set up a consistent future image. Consistency is not a value to them. For them time is not a continuous uninterrupted course but flashing isolated moments and that’s why they get very upset when someone is making an allusion to a previous happening in the past.

Limited sense of time – limited liability – limited calling to account. EIP can focus just onto the moment and that causes their lack of self-reflexion (objective self-assessment). They leave every each moment behind without connection between them and they don’t understand how others are not able to do the same, leaving behind problems, offenses without mentioning. The relation between action and consequence is a hardly perceptible concept to them because the fragmented sense of time.

It may be stated that emotionally immature parents are basically self-centred, narcissistic, emotionally not trustable and predictable, insensitive, incapable of real intimacy, having disfigured picture of reality and strong and inflexible emotional boundaries. They get too close to their children or keeping too much distance, they have difficulties handling frustration. They are emotionally manipulative or have threatening attitude.

Picture: http://www.exploringyourmind.com

Toxic parents

The triad of pathological families’ system

Beliefs Rules and Blind Obedience.

In our childhood the family system forms the completed reality; on this basis of world concept made-shaped in this system we create a picture about ourselves, who we are and what kind of relations we make with others. Yet healthy system encourages and inspires competency and self-esteem to support building independence, personal responsibility and individuality, the unhealthy system suppresses individual expressions.

Characteristics of nosogenic (pathological) family: alignment with the parents’ thoughts and actions; rigidity; symbiosis-merging personal boundaries into one another; strangling each other’s personality. The merged into one another family keeps the illusion of stability till no one tries to step out and everybody keep the rules. In crises situations toxic parents respond with calling to account. The responsibility falls to the lot of the child.

Toxic believes
Our family beliefs define our moral values, relationships, sexuality, and choice of career, nurturing style and our relation with money as well. Well matured and attentive parents’ beliefs are like “children should feel that they are allowed to do mistakes”, or “improper to cause pain to a child”. On the other hand toxic parents are driven by beliefs like “child must respect parents in every time and in any case” and “there are two ways to get things done: badly or how I think should be or do”. Unfortunately children are not able to discern the true reality and the distorted reality made by toxic parents and when they get adult they carry their own distorted beliefs and passing them to their own children. The most difficult is parting with those beliefs which existence we do not know and not aware of them.

Rules
Toxic parental beliefs become rules which must be kept by everyone and might seem ridiculous most of children from toxic families obey them.

Blind obedience is the motive for the system

We obey the rules of family otherwise if we break them we become betrayers. Blind obedience develops our behaviour schemas in our early ages and prevents us from escaping from them. So often there is a great gulf between parents’ expectations and the child’s desires. Unfortunately the subconscious force to obey often overcome. Nobody starts his/her life establishing destructive relationships all the time, but toxic parent’s child do very often again and again, repeating schemas.

Here is a questionnaire, a “toxicological” test to check your relationship with your parents and its influence:

Childhood relationship with your parents

  1. Did they tell you that, you are bad, worthless? Did they call you names? Did they criticize you often?
  2. Did they cause you physical pain to discipline?
  3. Were they alcoholic or drug addicted?
  4. Were they seriously depressed or unapproachable?
  5. Did you need to take care of your parents, or your brother or sister because of your parents’ problems?
  6. Did they do something what you must have kept in secret?
  7. Were you often afraid of your parents?
  8. Were you afraid to express your anger towards your parents?

Here is the second questionnaire of the “toxicological” test, to check how your toxic parents or a destructive childhood influences you now:

Adulthood life

  1. Do you often get into destructive or offensive relationships?
  2. Do you think if you get too close to somebody that person will hurt or leave you?
  3. Do you expect the worse from people and from life usually?
  4. Do you have difficulties to get to know your own feelings?
  5. Are you afraid of if someone get close and get know you that person will not love you?
  6. Are you anxious when you succeed?
  7. Do you often feel anger or sadness without any particular reason?
  8. Are you a maximalist or perfectionist?
  9. Do you have problem to relax and let it all hang out?
  10. Do you experience even if you try hard not to, you behave “like your parents”?

 

Adulthood relationship with your parents

  1. Do your parents treat you like you are still a child?
  2. Do you need or feel the need their approval in your important decisions?
  3. Do you experience intense emotional or physical reaction after meeting your parents?
  4. Are you afraid of resist of your parents?
  5. Do they manipulate you with threats or sense of guilt?
  6. Do they manipulate you with money?
  7. Do you feel responsibility related to their feelings? Is it your task to take care of them, feeling or being better?
  8. Do you feel no matter how hard you try or do, nothing is enough or satisfactory?
  9. Do you believe in they might be better?

 

If you answered yes for more than one third of the questions in all three questionnaires, follow me here to know more about toxic parents. If you know that you had a destructive childhood and you are suspicious your current problems are connected to that, do not hesitate to ask an appointment.
Our parents most likely cannot be changed but our perspective can and after breaking chains we have a chance to have a good quality of life!
Since you have recognized it happened with you, it is your responsibility to change it! Patterns caused by toxic parents are repeated, subconsciously you can do the same with your own children or partner as well.

 

Toxic parents plant seeds of sense of guilt, fear, shame and compulsion. It doesn’t matter if they did under the umbrella of “they did not mean hurting” or “they did what they could”, “We wanted the best for you”, toxic parents deprived their own child/children from the enough good parental care. In the last two decades role of parents has changed dramatically, but still they have the same parental obligations as before. Parental obligations:

  1. Obliged to satisfy the child’s physical needs.
  2. Obliged to protect the child from physical abuse.
  3. Obliged to protect the child from emotional harm.
  4. Obliged to satisfy the child love, attention and emotional needs.
  5. Obliged to give moral and ethical guidance.

Toxic parents are not able to meet these requirements, so often they cause hurt with not doing specific things. Most of the time those hurts are invisible and toxic parents also had similar destructive childhood and went through serious abuses as well, which can generate a regret in the child towards the parents.