5 elements of emotional intelligence

The duality of emotions and intellect is already has accepted as a fact nowadays and have got across on every area of our life. We understand more those emotional factors which come from our feelings and also we understand to listen to our intuitions is not a weakness but means having opened mindset and positive attitude. It seems like emotional intelligence is the same important factor as genetic characteristics and cognitive knowledge and experiences. If we were able to balance both we could have a great chance to have successful social relationships, successful carrier and deliberate completed life. Often we can see that somebody has great successes in business but the private or social life is weak and poor or the opposite. This can show the missing balance between intellect and emotional intelligence (like Steve Jobs). If the balance is missing we try to compensate but mainly on the wrong side, like working harder and pushing to have more and more success in business and this is exactly what most of the people do who are out of the balance between heart and mind. We should be aware of how our emotions are so important. Not so sure if we are always aware of what we feel and how our actual emotional condition influences our “working mode”, our mindset and our health and happiness.

images

I’m sure we all have experienced that there are days when we feel today everything is going to be fine, there are no problems and everybody is nice at our working place. Maybe a small experience or feeling (which didn’t seem recognizable in that moment) triggered the process to feel this “easy going mode” (feeling satisfied, happy, believing in good, kindness etc.) This mode has given us a positive feeling and we are beaming. With this mode we influence others around and that’s why they are acting positively with us but also in this mode we don’t detect significantly negative signs. We have infected our environment with a positive “virus”. If we want to find out how somebody is good or bad or what this person is thinking in that moment, we can try to adjust our facial expression to that person’s and then wait for what kind of thoughts or feelings are coming up in our mind or in our heart. This exercise comes from Edgar Allan Poe writer from the XIX. century and it’s brilliant.

Why do we need to look into someone? Why do we need to understand and care about others? Why can’t we just live as we feel like it, alone and don’t carry about others?

Actually we can but we must consider its consequences which are we are alone, we are not going to be accepted by any community and become lonely and burned out. We are social animals! We can go on with a behaviour like not considering other’s feelings and thoughts and having friends but those people around will act on the same way as we do and the outcome is the same, being lonely but surrounded by people. This is a big epidemic phenomena nowadays. Surrounded by people but being lonely.

How do we know if somebody’s emotional intelligence (EQ) is high?

It has several component and including several outward forms. If we want to know how our EQ is or just want to know how its outward forms are I suggest you to map 5 areas which are;

– Relationships, communication: How are your relationships with other people? Do you communicate easily with them, honestly without playing? Do others usually understand you easily or you need to use long time explanations?

– Empathy – NOT SYMPATHY: Can you be empathic with others? Are you able to feel what they do like putting yourself into their shoes? Are you able to attune to others even when it’s not important to you?

– Self-identity, authenticity:  How is your self-confidence? Low or too high? Are you authentic? Showing and acting like the way you are and the way you think or/and feel? Does your self work according to your scale of values consequently?

– Adaptability: How can you adopt changes? How do you handle stress? Are you able to learn from your own mistakes?

– Creativity, positive attitude, openness: How creative are you? How positive your attitude is to take challenges? How is your problem solving management?

If we need to highlight one from these 5 areas, I would choose empathy. On the one side these knowledges, sensitivities and competencies are not able to be separated from each other strictly and on the other hand empathy is the base of the others.

Researches proved that just from body posture, body language and from mimicry we are able to sense each other’s mental condition. So if we want to attune to somebody, try to take over the other’s body expression, after the feeling is coming by itself.

Interesting thing is supposedly this kind of technique works immediately with negative feelings especially with anger. If it’s true we must consider that how our negative feelings and messages are harmful. Would be very good to see ourselves from outside and being able to perceive if another person is just attaching own negative mental condition to us. Just think how is your day when your boss is coming to work in a bad mood or your partner is angry? I’m not even talking about all of those negative news from the media. We must consider those attached negative feelings can have serious consequences.

The emotional intelligence is improvable, hundreds of books have been written about it, what it is, its necessity and how to improve it.

Try to pay attention to others emotional condition, what kind of feelings do you get from them? What do you radiate from yourself? Are you understanding other people and their emotions?

Do you believe in that if everybody improved on the area of empathy our world would be a better place?

Picture: http://www.eschoolnews.com

Words can hurt – Emotional-verbal abuse

Not just physical abuse can hurt in a relationship. Words and emotional manipulation can cause similar sufferings like physical abuse. Words have their own power, they can heal but also can hurt and destroy as well. What kind of signs does emotional abuse have? How can we protect ourselves from it?

index

Verbal/emotional abuse is the most difficultly recognizable abusive form because it can be used indirectly by wrapped into a paper of trifling or by exaggerated manipulative behaviour. The outcome of being emotionally abused is the same, damaged self-esteem and questioning the sense of reality. A lot of people stuck in emotionally abusive relationship because they don’t want to believe it’s really happening with them. Easier to quiet ourselves with thinking that “I’m sure she/he didn’t mean it!” or “Actually he/she means it for my good!”. Abuse can appear not just in relationships, also in friendships, family or working place. Through segregation and suppressing the abuser gets the control and even if the victim feels that the relationship is becoming damaged, often feels scared to break up the poisoning relation.

Invisible wounds

Researches have proved that both physical and emotional pain activate the very same parts of the brain. Doesn’t matter if there are no visible bruises on our body, emotional abuse doesn’t disappear without damage. If the verbal/emotional abuse is serious and continuous the victim’s self-esteem and self-evaluation can get degraded without physical bruises. The suffering person believes she/he is less valued, his/her self-confidence decreasing and in the meantime starting to doubt own capacities and capabilities. After a while critics and negative remarks become part of the victim’s self-esteem and not able to see herself/himself real. Become part of the self-image and the victim become one with the point of view of the abuser. Verbal and emotional abuse ensnare the victim whom can feel that she/he wouldn’t be possibly enough good for anyone else as well and stays in the relationship. The abuse influences negatively the whole social network of the victim because she/he is starting to question everything, like if the others really like him/her or not. This doubting easily segregate the victim from other people. Long-term abuse can cause depression and anxiety, eating disorders and sleeping problems. Often victims don’t talk about their situation because they feel shame and also they still doubt their own situation….what if the other is right?

The most important condition of treating abusive relationship is REALIZATION. Admission is essential after experiencing any aspect of abuse to move on. The victim must honestly have to face with facts and happenings to get back the lead of own life. There are few strategies which can help to move on or at least minimize the damage of an abusive relationship.

  1. Have our mental and physical health the first priority and stop blaming ourselves!

In an abusive relationship we must make ourselves aware of our own needs and their priorities. We must let the compliance go towards the abuser which had been developing in the past. We can look for activities which support the positive mindset and strengthen who we are. It can be a self-knowledge course or hobby which is all about just us. Step by step we can experience that we are able to take care of ourselves and strengthen our self-esteem. In an emotionally abusive relationship we susceptible to believe that the problem is us, we are the bad ones. Why? Because we think there must be a provided reason (our behaviour or simply just the way we are) for our partner who is acting with us on the way he/she does – we give the reason to him/her. (Why would he/she act like this but loves me?) We must stop blaming ourselves because we don’t have control on that part of the relationship. Abusers are masters of making us believe that we provided or provoked their abusive reactions or behaviour. This is not truth! We must be aware of it.

  1. Set up borders and don’t afraid of give abuser the cold shoulder!

Probably the most difficult step to make clear to the abusive partner what she/he can do or what can’t. We must undertake that he/she is not allowed to shout or call us names, not allowed to use insulting labels about us. Can help to ask his/her attention to the possible consequences. We must set up those borders what we can maintain. So if the abuser’s communication doesn’t change, well we must stand up and interrupt the communication. We must acknowledge that not everybody or everything can be “rescued”. In a long-term abusive relationship most probably the attitude of the abuser is not going to change just because we try to fill up his/her expectations, pleasing him/her or bagging or crying. We must remember that we are responsible just for our own actions and not for the abuser’s.

  1. Build safety net and always have escaping route!

After we have recognized the problem, we must start to talk about it with someone even if it hurts. We can feel shame and humiliation but if we don’t speak about it our situation is going to be just worse. Very important to find somebody who we can share our situation with. It can be a friend, a family member or an expert. We should spend as much time as possible with those people who love and support us. Our social network can reduce our isolated and lonely feeling. Really very hard to leave someone who we love even if that relationship is poisonous. We must see that clearly most of the times abusive people don’t look for help or clearly see that what they do is destructive, so they don’t ask help to change. Face the facts that if she/he is not able or willing to change we must break up and leave. Emotional abuse can cause the same damage as physical ones. Every situations are different but there are cases where the only solution is to leave.

Very important to know one thing, there is always a solution to get out from a destructive relationship, always even if we haven’t found it yet!

 

Picture: twitter.com

Grow up! – Being emotionally adult

Being emotionally adult doesn’t depend on the age, we can see people with the age of 35 or 50 acting like a small child or a child with the age of 11 acting like a responsible adult. What are exactly the key capacities of an adult behaviour and mature relationships?

When we are talking about being an adult the first thing which pops up in people’s mind is responsibility.

Responsibility for actions: often we can’t control our thoughts and emotions in a certain moment but when we act deliberately we control that, indeed.

Responsibility for fate: an adult is an active participant of what is happening with or around him/her. His/her own belief is being the one who is able to shape own life. If something is going wrong, knowing that he/she has part in it and not looking herself/himself as a victim who is submitted to life or others. So, if she/he doesn’t like something willing to change.

Responsibility for own words: doesn’t feed anyone with promises or make them rashly.

Responsibility for making decisions: deliberately setting up goals and go for them. An emotionally adult person can decide what is important in her/his life and makes a sacrifices for it.

 

Exist independently – independency

Independency is connected to reach the responsibility level. An adult is able to make decisions without waiting for others’ guiding. Able to create security and asks help just if she/he is stuck or doesn’t know something. Establishing financial independency is important for creating security.

Own reality – stable identity

Finding own personality is one of the objective of adolescence, so having a fully developed and mature identity is one of the most important part of being an adult. Knowing that who I’m and what I’m capable of. Emotionally mature people are able to see themselves from outside and make efforts to create own image by everyday experiences. They have a clear view about their negative and positive characteristics and able to see their relationships real. They make efforts to know their driving forces which are under the surface and difficult to detect them. Emotionally mature people let themselves to feel own emotions but when it’s time to act they make rational decisions. They are able to handle separately the emotional and intellectual-conceptual processes and choose by which they are going to decide. They live by their own values and guiding principles, in unity with themselves. Part of being emotionally mature also is not reacting defensively for feedbacks. They don’t deny negative critics obviously, they are happy when they get constructive critics and opened to explore new things for expanding their knowledge.

The presence of us – mature relationships

Emotionally mature people strive for equality in their relationships not like emotionally immatures. Emotionally childish people react for old, often unsolved conflicts and easily assume a character a parent or a child. Who is emotionally mature doesn’t want to see just the security provider parent in her/his partner since she/he is able to provide that without others. Wants a person who is equal and learns to give and get love.

Sometimes we don’t work in “adult mode” and completely normal to feel hurt when we get a negative critic. However we can have a fruitful and happy life if we have established the “adult mode” as a basic condition.

index

How can we become emotionally mature?

According to Eric Berne (transaction analyses) we work in different modes in social interactions. He separated three modes, like child mode, adult and parent mode. The child mode is the source of emotions, intuitions, needs, creativity and life energy and works mainly based on personal experiences. In adult mode a person works like a computer, based on facts and information instead of intuitions.

In adult mode a person solves problems logically and doesn’t let taking possession of the child or the parent mode. The adult mode calls out equality in relationships.

What kind of skills we need to learn to become emotionally mature if it hasn’t happened yet?

  1. Be present!

Emotionally mature people’s relationships are built on presence needs instead of the past. Here and now philosophy is very important because that’s how we learn to decide responsively. When we are present we become more aware of happenings and our own reactions and helps to avoid acting on a usual, negative old way. Being present gives us the awareness and the control. Think of an important happening! What did cause your reaction? What did you think when you experienced it? What kind of feeling did you feel? What was the outcome of the situation? If we asked this questions from ourselves we would be able to find the answer in which situations we feel good or bad. We are able to see patterns and figure out when we actually have a choice. With this kind of “outside” view we are able to get know ourselves which is the basic stone of a stable identity.

  1. Accept the reality!

A lot of people think that reality is actually subjective. However there are parts which exist independently from an opinion. Some real elements are chosen by us, like who with we get married for instance, other elements we owes or can’t be influenced, like our figure. Often is difficult to see what we can change and what we can’t. In the development of emotional maturity we are able to explore what we are able to change. If we accepted and respected our reality we would have a better chance for having happiness and effectiveness than to fight against. With denial, complaining or the refusal of thinking about uncomfortable reality elements we just run away from the reality what actually we live in. For instance if you worry about your relationship, sit down and think what is exactly bothering you. How did it become a love-less relationship? When did it start? What is your part in this change? Nobody said that these things are good to think of, but the opposite because this way of thinking is a kind of stepping out from the comfort zone. But if we became aware of this part that would give us back the control and after the supporting to find the solution how to change it.

  1. Take responsibility!

Responsibility is one of the key element of adulthood. The quality of our life depends mainly on what kind of decisions we have made or if we have set up the right goals. We believe some situations didn’t depend on us, we didn’t have a choice or it was not our fault. Are you sure? We all know things don’t happen just like that, we have influence on them. Try to break your negative patterns, see and understand them before react, we always have a choice how we act. Keep in mind your long-term goals and try to eliminate those behaviours which can hinder your achievements. We always have a choice how we act in a situation!

  1. Make our perceptions clear!

We become happier when we are able to set up a satisfying and mature goal and when we have the internal motivation to reach it. We must know what we would like/want to reach. If we knew what the most important or significant thing in our life it would be easier to think and act in important situations. With keeping in mind our goal we are able to see the optimal outcome. Without clear goals we might get easily disturbed by circumstances and impulses. Define what your desires are! Often our desires are out of our comfort zone but that doesn’t mean they are bad.

  1. Do for your goals and be authentic!

Being responsible for our own words is also an important part of being an adult, what we want is in tune with what we say. Our precepts and actions are correlated. Choosing commitment and discipline instead of easy solutions and comfort. For instance our business partner (who with we have a great relationship) is setting up a database but we don’t like its structure and we know using it is going to bring some annoyance to us. When it’s coming to talk about it we can decide not mentioning our problem with it. We are able to maintain our relationship with him/her but we become annoyed every time when we use it. Or we can decide that standing up for our opinion, even if it brings some arguments. At the first choice we don’t even give a chance to change. (Typical in very conformist or co-dependent people) but at the second after few uncomfortable minutes we may be able to set up a database system for our future success. In this example you can see that we must pay prices to reach long-term goals. We might get into an uncomfortable situation or we might don’t feel secured for a while. This is the price of our precepts and desires become real.

Becoming emotionally mature is a long term process and it doesn’t work by itself. What we can do is awaking, paying attention and taking responsibility. Paying attention to ourselves is the first step because without it all the others are impossible to be done.

Picture: http://www.liveyourtruestory.com

The Five Levels of Intimacy

In my previous post you could read about intimacy and today I’m sharing more about it with you. Psychologists have identified 5 levels of emotional intimacy we all move through as we get to know someone. It shows how intimacy develops over time.

Level One: Safe Communication – Cliché-Conversation

Level one is the lowest level of communication. We call it safe because it involves the exchange of facts and information. There are no feelings, opinions or personal vulnerability involved, and therefore no risk of rejection. This is the kind of interaction we have with people we don’t know well. It’s the chitchat we share with the clerk at the market or a stranger at a party. People communicating at this level share minimal intimacy.

When couples remain at this level, it leaves a frustrating, unrewarding, and meaningless marriage.

Level Two: Others’ Opinions and Beliefs – Factual Communication

At level two we start sharing other people’s thoughts, beliefs and opinions. We are beginning to reveal more of ourselves through our associations. We say things like, “My father always says…” or “One of my favourite authors said…” Such statements test the other person’s reaction to what we’re sharing without offering our own opinions. This is slightly more vulnerable than level one, but because we’re not sharing our own opinions we can distance ourselves from the opinion if we feel threatened by criticism or rejection.

Factual communication are necessary to make our relationship and family life run like exchanging information about your family members or planning up on weekend. But when communication get stuck at this level, just like with cliché-conversation, it leaves a marriage unrewarding and meaningless.

Level Three: Personal Opinions and Beliefs

We start taking small risks at this level because we begin to share our own thoughts, opinions and beliefs. But like the previous level, if we begin feeling too vulnerable, we can say we’ve switched our opinions or changed our mind in order to avoid conflict or pain. Here the importance of self-esteem appears.

Level Four: My Feelings and Experiences-Sharing of Emotions and Feelings

At this level, a spouse begins to show not only what’s in his head but also what’s in his heart. Sharing feelings and experiences is the next level of vulnerability and intimacy. Verbalizing feelings of happiness, disappointment, hurts and anger. At this level we talk about our joys, pain, and failures; our mistakes in the past, our dreams, and our goals. What we like or don’t like. What makes us who we are. This level is more vulnerable because we can’t change how we feel about something, the details of our past or current experiences. If we sense we may be rejected or criticized all we can do is try to convince others that we’re no longer impacted by our past. We’re no longer that person. We’re different now but also important highlighting that, this is who we are.

It is when we share our emotions with our spouse that we feel loved, valued, seen, and cared for. Alternating between sharing of opinions and emotions is a good combination in marriage communication. Here we have a deeper understanding of our spouse, how he/she thinks and how he/she feels.

Level Five: My Needs, Emotions and Desires

Level five is the highest level of intimacy. It is the level where we are known at the deepest core of who we are. Because of that, it is the level that requires the greatest amount of trust. If I can’t trust that you won’t reject me, I’ll never be able to share my deepest self with you. Unlike the other levels, there is no escape at this level. Once I let someone see who I really am, I can no longer convince them otherwise. Communicating at this level means we offer someone the most vulnerable part of ourselves. And the greatest fear is that they could use it against us later. When we share things like, “I’m hurt when you don’t call,” I need to feel respected by you,” or “I want to spend my life with you,” we’re sharing not only our hurts but our desires and needs as well. It’s also the level where we let others see our emotional reaction to things, which if you’re like me, isn’t always a pretty sight. Maybe that’s why we save those for the ones closest to us, like our families.

Real Intimacy

It’s important to understand that true intimacy in a relationship happens over time…not in a day, week or even a month. But another important element is needed for true intimacy…both people in the relationship need to move through the levels together. If I’m sharing at level four with someone (feelings and experiences) but my partner is sharing at level three (opinions and beliefs) we’re not experiencing true intimacy. I may feel closer because I’m sharing at a higher level, but in reality what we have is a false sense of intimacy.  Intimacy is measured by the person with the lower level of vulnerability.

What can we do if we realize that, there is no intimacy in our life or having a block at one of the level and we can’t move on?

images

First thing what we can do is to identify at which level our relationship is blocked. The second step is to see from whose side this block is made. It’s possible we feel that we are opened but our partner doesn’t. If we can see the block is set up by us without causing by our partner, self-knowledge is our best tool to recognize, understand and change it. However to change it often requires professional help. Also numerous times people don’t have a picture about how an intimate relationship is and how it works because they have never seen or experienced it.

One of the typical intimacy blocks is fear.

Here are some common ways people distance themselves emotionally as a result of a fear of intimacy:

  • Holding back affection
  • Reacting indifferently or adversely to affection or positive acknowledgement
  • Becoming paranoid or suspicious of a partner
  • Losing interest in sexuality
  • Being overly critical of a partner
  • Feeling guarded or resistant to being close

Fear of intimacy begins to develop in our early childhood. As children, when we experience rejection and/or emotional pain, we often shut down or believe in those negative feedbacks/reactions which mean we are not worthy to be loved, we are bad or deffective. We learn not to rely on others as a coping mechanism. After being hurt in our earliest relationships, we fear being hurt again, it’s a circle where we can get trapped. We are reluctant to take another chance on being loved. Intimacy requieres bravery as I wrote in my previous post but we should not minimize the power of fear as well.

If we felt unseen, misunderstood, unloved or deffective as children, we may have difficulties believing that someone could really love and value us. The negative feelings we developed toward ourselves in our early years, became a deeply embedded part of who we think we are, as part of our self. (This embedded part of our self most of the times is deep and difficult to change.) Therefore, when someone is loving and reacts positively toward us, we experience a conflict within ourselves. We don’t know whether to believe this new person’s kind and loving point of view of us or our old, familiar sense of our identity. So, we often react with suspicion and distrust when someone loves us, because our fear of intimacy has been aroused. Also can appear here that we start to set up a mask, acting accordingly to our belief which is how our partner wants to see us. We don’t show our real self, just a development of a created perfect self which is suitable to our partner’s need and image (Co-dependency).

Even though the fear of intimacy is a largely unconscious process, we can still observe how it effects our behavior. Acting on our fears preserves our negative self-image, keeps us in an unhappy circle.

However, we can overcome fear of intimacy. We can develop ourselves to stop being afraid of love and let someone in. We can recognize the behaviors that are driven by our fear of intimacy and challenge these defensive reactions that preclude love. By taking the actions necessary to challenge our fear of intimacy we can expand our capacity for both giving and accepting love.

Picture: http://www.shutterstock.com

No trust without fallibility – Why are we afraid of intimacy while pinning for it?

Romantic novels and films usually ends when lovers finally find each other, complications are closed and the leading characters find their perfect pair like they have reached their life goals and wave good-bye to problems. However in real life the biggest part of the story comes after finding each other. To build intimacy requires longer time. Why do a lot of people afraid of intimacy while pinning for it?

If we find our partner we run-in is a popular misconception. Love requires care and work after the early stage and intimacy is not a static condition. It’s not enough to get that love/partner and just to sit and believe it will last the life out. The intimacy of relationships changes continuously depending on how we maintain a relation to each other. We often talk about intimacy – especially insufficiency of it – but to define what intimacy exactly means is difficult. Where does it start and what is not?

Intimacy is not the same as sexuality which is a very common misconception. Intimate relationship includes not just physical but also emotional closeness as well. Even if we spend a lot of time together with someone that doesn’t mean necessarily we have intimacy. The balance between closeness and intimacy is very fragile and closeness even can be the obstacle to intimacy. We push closer and closer to the other person believing that that’s how our relationship is becoming more intimate, whilst we reach the opposite effect. Without trust there is no intimacy, we let someone to get close if we feel safe beside him/her.

images

Fear destroys intimacy

To trust someone also means I can show myself, who and how I’m in real, without masks. To belong to someone is a very human motive and basic need and that’s why we are afraid of losing it. Often we are not dare to show our real self because we are afraid of refusal and feeling of loss. The base of intimacy is when we let the other person to see us as we are, like we see ourselves. Without masks and “make-up” and without pretending. There is always a chance even if we revealed ourselves, we wouldn’t have been “enough good” to our partner. There is another side of a coin, which is revealing ourselves is essential to build and have intimate relationship, without that there is no intimacy. When we let someone to get close we take a risk as well, she/he can leave us.

Intimacy requires bravery

In a certain level we all are afraid of intimacy. Can be scary to show that part of ourselves what believe is shameful and not nice but also we can be afraid of defenceless as well. Behind this feeling can be the fear of losing ourselves and/or the fear of dissolving in other person. At the same time having a faith in somebody also means we are able to be happy alone and we give the chance to another person to make us happy as well. Intimacy comes from the Latin, intima word and it means being inside, being in closeness.

Intimacy is a substance in which we can born to ourselves. With accepting ourselves in a relationship with another person we are able to develop a deep understanding of ourselves. In an intimate substance we are able to feel compassion and affection.

A relationship can provide us just what we are ready for!

If somebody’s self-esteem is dubious or hating or not accepting herself/himself will be not able to experience the feeling of being loved and valuable with somebody else as well. If somebody is not able feel intimacy with herself/himself won’t be able to experience with someone else too. In intimacy we also find ourselves not just the other person.

Unfortunately not being alone as a motivation is often stronger than the motivation of building intimacy.

Picture: http://www.wellandgood.com

What we are running from that catch up – meeting with our shadow part of self

I’m asking you to spend 5 minutes thinking about one question: Is there anything in your life which upsets you, very uncomfortable and time by time comes back, appears in your life? Think of it! It can be a dream, a situation, or a type of person, behaviour which triggers those feelings. Also think about why this thing or this person is so irritating to you. According to C.G. Jung psychologist, if we feel that something or somebody (recurring pattern) irritates us, worthy to pay attention to ourselves because we might able to see that part of our selves, which is in shade. “Most of the people are not completely aware of their personality traits” – Marie-Louise Franz. What we don’t know or rather don’t want to know about ourselves, get into the shadow part of our personality. However they are there, they still appear in our relationships or dreams.

index

Why don’t I want to see myself as I’m really? Why does this part of our personality needs to be hidden?

We like to believe that we are intelligent, kind, have a nice disposition and decent. That’s all very well but we have personality traits, kind of inferior ones what we don’t know. For instance: we are precise and very well organized. We make a lot of effort to have everything set up and going well otherwise we would lose our internal balance. But what is behind actually? Maybe if we didn’t make so much effort to have everything set up, solved and elucidated we would get into a surprising and unpredictable situations and at the end we might make mistakes – which is, we also have tendency to chaos but we don’t want to admit it, not even to ourselves. “Most of the people identify themselves with those characteristics which make them acceptable to other people, that’s why most of the time the shadow part of self is awkward, subordinated and sometimes a bit malignant or socially clumsy as well.

Everybody cast a shadow!

For instance if we think a lot, our emotional sensory part become inferior or underdeveloped because we don’t pay enough attention to it. If somebody works mainly with technical things, with machines, susceptible to neglect the importance of fantasy or creative part of the self. Though if we suppress our shadow part we are just half. When we get angry, tired or under pressure often that shadow part appears. For instance nice and helpful people can become very egoist and merciless. Our shadow side also can appear when we get sick and the people around are wondering who this person is really. They change because their shadow is breaking through and reveals itself which was hidden. It’s actually just a matter of time. We can get a colleague or even our child who is sporadic or always being late. (I often see that how children act like mirrow to the parents-showing exactly the real problem) We all have our favorite “enemies” whom symbolize actually our shadow side. If there is someone who didn’t hurt us but we really feel this person irritates us, well we can be sure, she/he personalizes our shadow. That’s why we can’t push them out from our life, because they are in us, being part of our personality and if we try to get rid out of them after a while another “symbol” appears.

Instead of whip them, better to take a look at this shadow part and integrate it consciously. We might have to give up some illusions about ourselves (like my life is well set up, controlled and organized) but if we accept that we have this is aspect of our personality, those traits won’t bother us anymore.

How can we do it?

Good to sit down and think (or writing down) which traits actually bothers us in that person, or in that situation or thing. Using a healthy critical self-reflection we should try to find and identify those traits in us. After we found we can say that, “yes, this is me”!

Of course it’s not a comfortable feeling and easier to attribute those negative traits to somebody else. However, it’s very beneficial to do. We get known that part and we are able to start working on it. Pretending like this shadow side doesn’t exist, lying to ourselves is the biggest mistake and the worst living strategy what we can do and go on with. It’s just a matter of time when it comes to the surface or another “symbol” appears.

Picture: http://www.psychologytoday.com

The destroying power of refusal

When someone is breaking up with us or we can’t successfully fit into our working environment or when our family doesn’t care about us or when our friend doesn’t call, with different intensity but we all experience almost a paralyzing pain. Refusal is one of the most frequent emotional wound what can be caused by others. Why is it so painful being refused and how we can protect ourselves from it?

images

People live connected, having several different kind of connections, like family, friendship and working relationship. There are just few people who want to live alone without any connection with others. In some civilization social exclusion had been or is the heaviest punishment.

There is a kind of connection need which is a basic human motivation. Human is a social animal.

People feel a strong need to have a minimal long standing and positive connection with others around. Theoretically trend anybody it doesn’t focus just one certain person. However it’s not completely independent from the subject of the connection, because interactions with unknown or disliked people doesn’t satisfy this need of connection.

If we have a basic need of connection, how do we react if it doesn’t happen or being jeopardized?

It causes a similar reaction in the activity of the brain like pain. (Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., Williams, K. D. (2003) Does Rejection Hurt? An fMRI Sutdy of Soical Exclusion. Science, 302, 290-292)

The research results suggested that the neuroanatomy base of social and physical pain is the same. Mental pain is just one of elements which influences or well-being when we experience refusal. Our mood worsen, our self-esteem decreasing, we feel anger and aggression and after all these emotions physically our body is reacting as well. Like decreasing appetite, less good quality of sleep, stomachache, headache etc.

Paradoxically when we are down we are susceptible make our mental situation worse with destructive thoughts. When we experience a physical hurt immediately know and act to treat that injury. But when it comes to mental pain we are susceptible to accept the situation without doing anything constructive (Dr. Guy Winch).

There are methods which can work as a mental first aid, supporting development of our self-esteem, reducing pain and helping us to move on.

  1. Stop self-scourge

It’s not useless to go through and examine what we did wrong in those situations, what we can learn and do differently next time. It’s important how we see and do it! The punitive and critical view is more unbeneficial than constructive.

For instance: after an unsuccessful date to think that “Next time might be better not to talk about my ex-boyfriend on the first date” – This way of examining the situation and taking conclusions is constructive. “I’m a hopeless looser!” – This way is very subjective and destructive. People who take this conclusion, they miss to see the difference between doing a mistake and being someone. Often they forget not all of the refusals are personal. Most of the times circumstances and self-adjustment play the same important role in the situation and the refusal is not personal. (There are some personality disorders when the feeling of being refused is pathological).

  1. Strengthen your self-esteem

The main problem of refusal is we take it personal and it influences our self-esteem. With stable self-esteem we are able to do a more objective examination and evaluation of the situation. Being more realistic and not forgetting our strengths as well, not focusing just on our deficiencies. If we have got refused in specific roles (like a partner, friend or colleague) spending time with collecting positive characteristics (five with examples) in that role help us to see we might have made a mistake but that doesn’t define us as a person. Also important to think why those characteristics are important to others.

  1. Connect

Very important to make ourselves understand that even if somebody refused us that doesn’t mean we are worthless. We must remember there are other people who love and respect us. Through this we are able to experience the security of connection which supports the feeling of being able to connect. Look for those people who care about you. Refusal doesn’t influence our personality being able to be loved.

Being refused is never simple. At the same time alleviation of the pain and the recovery of self-esteem can help to overtake it and move on.

Also important that every each difficulty has its own treasure which comes in knowing ourselves better and deeper. Often to change perspective or getting known ourselves better is difficult just doing by ourselves. With professional help it’s easier in a consultation where you become the center.

Picture: http://www.stockfresh.com